25 + 10

A decade ago, my friend Lulu told me about her project where friends submitted essays about being 25.

I had the full intention of sending one in, and even wrote something up, but never sent it to her. It’s been on my to-do list for a decade.

Since my word for 2023 is “archive,” I’m going to share with Lulu (and with you all) something I wrote in the beginning of my 25th year.

—

Defender of Dreams

It's the first time I've hung out with Scott since we moved out of our apartment.

I've seen him on the street and at Ivan's book release party. We’ve caught up and talked about our general state of affairs in short spurts. Always about the download.

The last time I saw him, he was extremely beardy and living like a hermit for the past four months. Not going out, just being at home, contemplating life, quitting his job. And forgetting how to be with people.

That’s the headspace I’ve been in too, the last month in the Marina. Enjoying solitude like a cup of tea. Letting it sit. But then looking around to see if people still remember or care about me.

—

We swap stories. I tell him about running in the Marina and the revelations I've had of late.

He tells me he's gone out of hibernation, that his long distance relationship is going to end soon, about still being at the job but seeing if that results in getting laid off or bought out by the end of March.

"What about your dreams?" I thought. Scott always had good ideas, and an enthusiasm behind them, but lately it's been stuck in the dream stage. He gave his reasons for not pursuing them -- taking care of his parents, stability, being logical. He trips himself by being logical. The moment of hesitation that pulls you away from taking the leap, sometimes forever.

But I appreciate that he dreams. And he gets excited about mine. But I do realize that he's held back. And it's not bad, it's not wrong — it just is. I know that the day he gets past it he's going to skyrocket and win. We all have the potential for that moment.

—

He went back to Georgia to visit his family for the holidays.

"I was having that conversation with my niece -- about what superpowers we would want," he said. "This is going to sound really corny, but mine was Defender of Dreams."

He explained how he looked all around Georgia and saw people that have given up on their dreams. The acceptance that their reality is always going to be that reality.

I put my hands over my chest. Scott and I are good at dreaming and making up our own reality. It's good to be slightly out of touch. Being logical would be too much to bear; I'd rather keep floating.

We're lucky to have our dreams, to never want to settle, to act on the impulse to create the things we want to see exist.

Those pangs of wanting to create is how we operate. It's what keeps us alive.

—

The Defender of Dreams has Double D's written on his chest. He looks like the guy from The Incredibles - square chin, nicely polished hair, winning smile. 

Whenever you have an idea -- say it's to travel for a year or quit your job or start a fashion blog -- he picks up on it from his control station in the sky. “There's a potential dream!” he’d yell.

That dream feeling uplifts you for a second, but then rationale sets in.

"It wouldn't make money. I need to make money.”

“It's already been done before.”

“I don't know anything about fashion.”

“I need to learn how to code first.”

“It’s a stupid idea.”

That's when the Defender of Dreams comes to the rescue. He leaves clues around you. Leads you down an Internet rabbit hole to a fashion blog that inspires you. Or puts a piece of clothing in a thrift store that you end up buying and writing about. He sends along a new friend that thinks it’s a great idea and does it with you. 

And for the next month you write three blog posts. And the next month you write five. And then 10. And six months later, you have a small following of 30 of your friends and acquaintances. You start to feel like you have purpose and direction. It's about taking the first step and making it real. And taking that second step. And you don't know where this is going to go, but you're going to go with it. The universe is out there to help you.

The Defender of Dreams is back in his lair, smirking. He closes the case file. It's never done, but at least he knows you're moving in the right direction.

It's a dream in itself to wish for the Defender of Dreams. It sounds like a nice thing, doesn't it? 

— 

On my 25th birthday, in this new year, I’m going to defend my dreams. Even if the outcomes aren’t what I expect, at least I know I’m running towards them.

— 

Epilogue: dreams do come true

Scott has been making shit happen for the past decade. He ended up going for all his dreams and then some!

I started Chinatown Pretty, a fashion blog turned Instagram turned book, with Andria Lo a year after I wrote this. Kinda wild I kept mentioning “fashion blog,” which is something I never planned on starting, and it happened! SpoOoOOoky / very cool.